Luckily, the boyz here at The Sack-Up Blog are here to tell you whatcha gotta do, if not for yourself, then for all of the embattled, embittered, and embuggered politicians who find, and will find, themselves in your sorry-ass position.
Using your middle and index fingers, curved into a claw-like formation, hook on to whatever may remain of your paltry, withered Sack (this action is, of course, metaphoric; but feel free to employ the physical actions if it helps you to visualize). Reset Sack into its rightful position as the center of your fucking universe. Proceed with your everyday actions. Side effects may include: loss of being a little bitch.
Elliot. Come on. Your historical namesake Sacked-Up and um... like, let E.T. touch him with that weird long finger of his, why can't you?? Have a new press conference today.
Here's what you say:
Ladies and Gentleman of the Press, and my fellow New Yorkers: In the beginning, God created man. Then he gave us wieners and all hell broke loose. I did indeed have relations with "Kristen" the 105 lb "very pretty brunette". It rocked. I mean, them were some relations, you know what I'm talking about?? Haha... High five! No? Ahem... Well, considering that I broke the law in visiting a prostitute, broke the law in how I attempted to hide the money I used for said prostitute, and spent most of my career being a douche to people who committed the exact crimes as I did, I feel it is best for me to step down.
I hereby resign from my position as your Governor.
I will be devoting the bulk of my soon-to-be-excessive free time to three endeavors:
1. Searching for any sign of the flicker of life that once existed in my wife's emotionless eyes.
2. Stocking up on scotch tape to try and keep my newly reformed Sack in its appropriate position
3. Vigorously stalking America's favorite "very pretty brunette":
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