How to Sack-Up (Phase I)

It starts simply enough. With a flirty look or a flash of a smile. Maybe even a little skin. And before you know it, it's years later and you find yourself at the bottom of a ditch, wreaking of feces and Jim Beam. And you wonder how it is that your once mighty and fortuitous testicles, sheathed in what you can only assume was a precious metaled sack (as it was heralded by wing-ed angels every time you procured it from it's murky depths), now are nowhere to be found.

Have no fear, my fair-weather friends, for we shall show you the way back. The road is arduous, and often lengthy, but with a a strong head (on your shoulders), you can reach the promised land. You shall SACK-UP!

So, what is all this all about, you ask. SHUT UP, that's what. It's about regaining your manhood. It's about taking the forethought to do what's right for you.

In this day and age, men are constantly barraged by feelings of inadequacy. There was a time when being ignorant about how to change a diaper was cute and folksy. The men went outside and worked on the car, and the women stayed inside and cleaned the poop up. Now I'm not saying that life was better then. But I am saying there has been a distinct and ever present "vaginalization" of men. Pussies, gentlemen, pussies. Women don't like that term. Some men would apologize for using it. I won't. Because I stopped being a fucking pussy the day I decided to sack the FUCK UP.

Here's how you know you need to sack up: Your buddies describe you in a way like, "he used to be cool, but ever since he and (insert your girlfriend's name here) got together he's been totally (whipped, a pussy, etc)." You need to sack up. Take back your life, man, for god's sakes.

So here's phase one. First off, no more doing shit because you feel like you should. Only do things that you want to do, or need to do. I mean, like go to work, because you need to work, but don't go to the wild-flower exhibit with your girlfriend's mom because your girlfriend has something to do, and she's afraid her mom will be bored without you to babysit. Don't do that. That sucks. Instead say, "no". It's this weird word that a lot of dudes never learned, or learned and subsequently forgot. So for phase one, let's take the sack-up nice and slow... You've probably had a long time being a little bitch, so I'm not gonna try to overwhelm you or anything (this IS only phase ONE, after all). So how about this... once today, just once, when you are faced with the decision to do something you don't want to do, but feel like you should to prevent your girlfriend (bad)/ex-girlfriend (worse)/girlfriend's friends (worser)/girlfriend's parent(s) (worser still)/ex-girlfriend's anything (worstest) from getting (gasp!) angry with you, instead of acquiescing in your usual bitch tone, why not say, "no". Not in an angry way. Very calmly. Just "no". Like Nancy Reagan wanted you to say to pot.

And here's the beauty of it. It's super easy to do. And after you do it, you feel an amazing wave of refreshment. Like having an ice-cold glass of water on a sweltering day. So please, do your homework, and check back soon for your next assignment.