WOW

Guys, here's some great advice I stumbled upon (not using stumble upon).

Why I do it

Because I'm trying to save a life, that's why. Who's? Mine. I know it's old news, but I'd much rather, uhhh, keep this at the forefront of your mind...

Uhhhh

Pretty sure they are selling something. But I'm not really sure what exactly it is... I just know that I want whatever it is they are selling. Check it out.

Chronic Bitch Dependency

Now, before those that don't adhere to the Sack-Up lifestyle get their man panties all in a bunch over the use of violence to "make that bitch behave", we here at the Sack-Up blog want to let you know that it's the spirit, not the action, that we agree with. If you can't differentiate between the two, its time to grab the compact from your man purse, go into the bathroom, spread your legs wide, and go on a Sack finding expedition to see just where the hell your manhood has gone.
The male species has gone soft. We've all been there at some point: The team you've lived and died with all your life is playing game 7 of the finals... One of your boys, who you haven't seen in years, is in town for the night and wants to hang... Halo 3 comes out...

Do you go?

Nope. She's pissed, again.. She's lonely...again... Her favorite indie, throaty, feminist singer is playing at the local whole in the wall coffee shop...again... So you look down, watch your testes shrivel like a slug thats doused with salt, make some feeble excuse and get led away from that which would make you happy.

Chronic Bitch Dependeny strikes again...

Think back, you can probably pin point the second that you lost your identity to her. When you become one entity instead of two people. 10 times out of 10, you're the one that gave up those traits that made you the Man she wanted to be with in the first place. So what happens next? After she's dressed you, told you how to feel, how to act, how to read her mind so that you can anticipate her every whim?

She crushes you of course...

Because after shes molded you into her lap dog, the bitch of it is she realizes that you no longer are the Man you were when this whole thing started. So it's time for a new project, thanks for playing, here's some parting gifts for coming on out today.. and as you are handed the shorn, wrinkled, empty piece of flesh that use to be your glorious Sack, you realize that you should have Sacked-Up, should have never been put in this position in the first place and there is no reason to feel this awful about this "relationship" ending.

It's time to take it back..... Sack-Up....Nice guys finish last, and it's time you start finishing consistantly in the top 5..... Sack-Up.....We're here to help...

Remember, no matter how hot she is, someone, somewhere is tired of putting up with her shit...

Real Life News from the Sack-UP front lines

Governor Bill Richardson just sacked up. He just endorsed Obama. OK, that's no big deal, right? Lots of folks like Obama. Sure. Except that Richardson is close personal friends with the Clintons. He was an ambassador to the UN and Energy Secretary under oral-sex enthusiast Bill Clinton. And according to this NY Times article, Bill Clinton had been heavily courting Richardson's endorsement ever since he withdrew from the race. He flew out to New Mexico to watch the Super Bowl with Richardson, for goodness sakes.

So what did Richardson do? Well, aside from drawing Judas analogies from James Carville (the Ragin' Cajun), he went with what he thought was right. He didn't give in to the pressure or friendship ties. No, he went with what he believed in, and in doing so, sacked up more powerfully than he ever could have thought possible. He points to Obama's speech on race earlier this week as typifying why he chooses Obama.

And I think he's right. While Clinton spent last week dodging more questions about NAFTA, since the release of her White House itineraries, Obama was faced with the specter of a long--time friend saying something pretty incendiary. And rather than throw him under the bus, Obama SACKED UP, and gave one of the most moving and powerful speeches in political history. And as we know in our movement, one sack-up begets another... So it made sense that Richardson took that as his cue to lift those puppies up and do what he wanted and knew was right.

Keep fighting the good sack fight, America.

Peggy Noonan to Rush Limbaugh: "Sack up!" No, really...

Wow, you know you're a bitch when a chick tells you to sack up. Here's a bit from Conservatart Peggy Noonan in the WSJ:

...Rush Limbaugh declared on the radio this week, "I'm here to tell you, if either of these two guys [Mr. McCain or Mike Huckabee] get the nomination, it's going to destroy the Republican Party. It's going to change it forever, be the end of it!"

This is absurd. George W. Bush destroyed the Republican Party, by which I mean he sundered it, broke its constituent pieces apart and set them against each other. He did this on spending, the size of government, war, the ability to prosecute war, immigration and other issues...

And this needs saying, because if you don't know what broke the elephant you can't put it together again. The party cannot re-find itself if it can't trace back the moment at which it became lost. It cannot heal an illness whose origin is kept obscure...

Sack up, get serious, define. That's the way to help.

Nice. I mean, I'm kinda loving the conservatives being all scattered and bratty, I love that they are eating each other. But wow. Rush. Ruuuush... Put down your Oxies and take a gander at the feces your world has become. You just got told to sack up by a chick.

Here's a visual representation if you need a little help:

A goody for you

Dearest All-

I've created an iPhone/iPod Touch icon for the Sack-Up Blog. Now when you add it to your home screen, you'll get a nice little surprise. For those of you who don't have one of these new fangled contraptions, here's what it looks like (minus the iPhone/iPod self added glossy light effects):



Enjoy!

The King of Sack sacks up yet again, just to show us he can

Playwright David Mamet comes out, as a closet conservative, in this Village Voice post:

And, I wondered, how could I have spent decades thinking that I thought everything was always wrong at the same time that I thought I thought that people were basically good at heart? Which was it? I began to question what I actually thought and found that I do not think that people are basically good at heart; indeed, that view of human nature has both prompted and informed my writing for the last 40 years. I think that people, in circumstances of stress, can behave like swine, and that this, indeed, is not only a fit subject, but the only subject, of drama.

To me, it doesn't matter if you are a lefty or a righty, as long as you come to your philosophy with a good amount of thoughtfulness and, more importantly, sack. Whatever you believe, just sack the hell up and let 'em have it. You will deal with the whiny little bitches who criticize your decision, no matter what it is. In this case we have the sackless wonders over at Gawker:

David Mamet, estimable playwright of certified masterpieces like American Buffalo and (in my humble opinion) The Cryptogram, really needs to shut the hell up. Well, at least he needs to stop writing essays like the one in this week's Village Voice...

The comments are even worse. Dude, you work for a fucking gossip blog. He's David "Fuck you, that's my name." Mamet. Your sack isn't even worthy enough to be David Mamet's shoe-shining shammy.

Here's Alec Baldwin in Mamet's Glengarry Glen Ross, teaching the Sackin' Up Method for Advanced Users:

How to Sack-Up (Phase I)

It starts simply enough. With a flirty look or a flash of a smile. Maybe even a little skin. And before you know it, it's years later and you find yourself at the bottom of a ditch, wreaking of feces and Jim Beam. And you wonder how it is that your once mighty and fortuitous testicles, sheathed in what you can only assume was a precious metaled sack (as it was heralded by wing-ed angels every time you procured it from it's murky depths), now are nowhere to be found.

Have no fear, my fair-weather friends, for we shall show you the way back. The road is arduous, and often lengthy, but with a a strong head (on your shoulders), you can reach the promised land. You shall SACK-UP!

So, what is all this all about, you ask. SHUT UP, that's what. It's about regaining your manhood. It's about taking the forethought to do what's right for you.

In this day and age, men are constantly barraged by feelings of inadequacy. There was a time when being ignorant about how to change a diaper was cute and folksy. The men went outside and worked on the car, and the women stayed inside and cleaned the poop up. Now I'm not saying that life was better then. But I am saying there has been a distinct and ever present "vaginalization" of men. Pussies, gentlemen, pussies. Women don't like that term. Some men would apologize for using it. I won't. Because I stopped being a fucking pussy the day I decided to sack the FUCK UP.

Here's how you know you need to sack up: Your buddies describe you in a way like, "he used to be cool, but ever since he and (insert your girlfriend's name here) got together he's been totally (whipped, a pussy, etc)." You need to sack up. Take back your life, man, for god's sakes.

So here's phase one. First off, no more doing shit because you feel like you should. Only do things that you want to do, or need to do. I mean, like go to work, because you need to work, but don't go to the wild-flower exhibit with your girlfriend's mom because your girlfriend has something to do, and she's afraid her mom will be bored without you to babysit. Don't do that. That sucks. Instead say, "no". It's this weird word that a lot of dudes never learned, or learned and subsequently forgot. So for phase one, let's take the sack-up nice and slow... You've probably had a long time being a little bitch, so I'm not gonna try to overwhelm you or anything (this IS only phase ONE, after all). So how about this... once today, just once, when you are faced with the decision to do something you don't want to do, but feel like you should to prevent your girlfriend (bad)/ex-girlfriend (worse)/girlfriend's friends (worser)/girlfriend's parent(s) (worser still)/ex-girlfriend's anything (worstest) from getting (gasp!) angry with you, instead of acquiescing in your usual bitch tone, why not say, "no". Not in an angry way. Very calmly. Just "no". Like Nancy Reagan wanted you to say to pot.

And here's the beauty of it. It's super easy to do. And after you do it, you feel an amazing wave of refreshment. Like having an ice-cold glass of water on a sweltering day. So please, do your homework, and check back soon for your next assignment.

When Sacking Up Goes Wrong

Sacking up is personal and subjective. What may be sacking up to one person might be being an asshole to another, and vice-versa. Take, for example, Sally Kern. I see no reason why Sally Kern, the batshit fucking insane Christian lawmaker from Oklahoma, should apologize for her anti-gay speech. I hope she doesn't, and it boggles my mind why so many people are demanding her apology?

Why??

You are essentially demanding her to lie. If that could possibly make you feel better then you are as deluded as she is. If she were to cave and apologize for something she doesn't believe, then she would be even more loathsome, IMO.

BTW in case you are in the dark about all this, here is her speech:



Yeah, she's pretty evil.

In an interview I saw, she refused to apologize for her speech, and her beliefs.

What is wrong with me as an American exercising my free speech rights on a topic that is a very big issue today?

I agree with the bitter old hag, even though I think she's an idiot.

Look, to everyone who is outraged: You want to this kind of speech to end, make sure she doesn't get re-elected. If you believe at all in democracy let it do it's work, and help it if need be. But don't pretend to yourself that this woman is going to somehow feel bad about this. This is what she thinks and believes, and no matter how callous and evil she is, she ain't gonna change. On the bright side, millions of people are going to know what a crackpot she is.

This is a good thing.

The first ever When Sacking Up Goes Wrong Award goes to:

Sally Kern

You hateful old bitch.

Yo Spitz, you know what you gotta do...

Ok Spitz, we all saw you in your little press conference with your dead-eyed wife at your side and your flacid politician-smile on your face. You dribbled out an vague apology and limped your sorry ass out of there with your crutch of a coffee cup in your hand and your sack the size of a peanut shell.



Luckily, the boyz here at The Sack-Up Blog are here to tell you whatcha gotta do, if not for yourself, then for all of the embattled, embittered, and embuggered politicians who find, and will find, themselves in your sorry-ass position.

Using your middle and index fingers, curved into a claw-like formation, hook on to whatever may remain of your paltry, withered Sack (this action is, of course, metaphoric; but feel free to employ the physical actions if it helps you to visualize). Reset Sack into its rightful position as the center of your fucking universe. Proceed with your everyday actions. Side effects may include: loss of being a little bitch.

Elliot. Come on. Your historical namesake Sacked-Up and um... like, let E.T. touch him with that weird long finger of his, why can't you?? Have a new press conference today.

Here's what you say:

Ladies and Gentleman of the Press, and my fellow New Yorkers: In the beginning, God created man. Then he gave us wieners and all hell broke loose. I did indeed have relations with "Kristen" the 105 lb "very pretty brunette". It rocked. I mean, them were some relations, you know what I'm talking about?? Haha... High five! No? Ahem... Well, considering that I broke the law in visiting a prostitute, broke the law in how I attempted to hide the money I used for said prostitute, and spent most of my career being a douche to people who committed the exact crimes as I did, I feel it is best for me to step down.

I hereby resign from my position as your Governor.

I will be devoting the bulk of my soon-to-be-excessive free time to three endeavors:

1. Searching for any sign of the flicker of life that once existed in my wife's emotionless eyes.

2. Stocking up on scotch tape to try and keep my newly reformed Sack in its appropriate position

3. Vigorously stalking America's favorite "very pretty brunette":